I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize