end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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