my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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