he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Randomize