Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
