mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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