So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
