upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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