My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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