Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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