i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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