I skipped work to stalk him.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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