I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
