it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
