jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
There are leaves in my underwear?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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