just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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