Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
