Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
