Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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