What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize