you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize