My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
