I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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