You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
