Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
