He is such a slut. More and more my type.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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