i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
