I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
