We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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