I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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