Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize