did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
We left an ass print on the piano.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
