Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize