11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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