he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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