Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
