I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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