I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
