I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
