i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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