put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
