Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
ttyl tear gas
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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