So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
