this beer tastes like vomit already
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
