last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
