you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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