is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
