i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
It all started with a game of naked twister.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
