just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
