chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
