Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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