christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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