So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
