the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
