A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
